just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
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“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Just say no
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.