Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
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Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
You have been warned.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…