developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable