I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
You Might Also Like
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
welcome back
this has to be peak English
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.