<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
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“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
And then there were 4
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
When your parents check you’re ok.