If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
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My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
me hitting on a model
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count