PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Put my back out twerking in the library again
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
This hospital has everything
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget