We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
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Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Print is alive and well!!!
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.