unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
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Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Well, shit
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.