Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
You Might Also Like
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”