Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Where’s my employee discount too?
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit