People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now