I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
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#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here