[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
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Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.