[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?