Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
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Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.