Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
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next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol