People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
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Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what