People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
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‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.