Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
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Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
m’lady
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I am also baked goods
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”