“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
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Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
That earthquake could have been an email.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Snapes on a plane.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.