Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.