Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.