My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
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There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I finally found a reason to live again.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.