if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
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lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
never ask a starfish for directions
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Mountain Goat : )
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)