THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
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Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
“No way.” -Jose
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.