Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
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Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.