Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
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how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Holy crap this is wonderful
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.