20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
You Might Also Like
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood