Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.