Never forget.
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Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.