When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
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my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.