Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
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“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.