[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them