I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
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Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”