Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
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Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.