Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.