Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”