Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.