My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
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I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
mumsnet is amazing