My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
You learn something every day
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
every college guy’s fridge
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]