ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
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The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk