Cardio Made Easy
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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho