“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
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Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Phonetics
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me