Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
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Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.