Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
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I’d hang this in my house.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
lol
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.