12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
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[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
constantly working on myself.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
buys donuts instead
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
we’re dead?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Sniffing the broccoli
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work