Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
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I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.