[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
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It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?