Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
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Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
That earthquake could have been an email.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.